Tenuous Humanity

It's been over two weeks now since I last smoked a cigarette, and that's not very long at all. Normal people, of course, can go a couple weeks without smoking or drinking and not even notice it. Their lives are filled with exasperations, delights, and pleasures, just like mine, but lack the drama I slather on every human condition.

Even after this admittedly short time without cigarettes, I'm noticing some differences.

Not smoking pros:

Breathing is easier and quieter than it used to be. I don't need to breathe through my mouth, and I can make my way up 100 stairs without having to stop and catch my breath. I've also saved a little bit of money, but that isn't the same as getting any more.

Not smoking cons:

It's actually possible to spend well over three-fourths of every day thinking about cigarettes and smoking. That's not to say that I'm frequently wishing I had a cigarette, only that I think about them quite a bit. I have a new respect for those who can go months and even years without smoking.
Boy, am I getting fat. I haven't owned a scale in decades, but I think I'm gaining weight, mostly an unexpected result of continually eating. I rarely want a cigarette when I'm eating, so I'm doing nothing but that now to make it easier on me.
I have the attention span of an annoyed gnat. I cannot sit, watch TV, write, read, or damn near anything for longer than ten or fifteen minutes without having to find a new amusement. I cannot imagine how anyone who doesn't smoke ever accomplishes anything. I'm also just on the verge of losing it in a fit of rage at every waking moment, but I think that's due to nicotine withdrawal. I can only imagine how much worse I'd feel if I wasn't wearing a patch that constantly dumped nicotine into my bloodstream.

I've hardly smoked at all this whole month, but I keep interrupting my stream of days. I know I'll never make it to one month without smoking if I can't make it through, say, day fifteen, but I'm driving myself nuts. The good thing is, it's only me that's being driven mad, but it won't be much longer before I snap at my innocent dog and make him wonder why he didn't bite me years ago.

Taking deep, satisfying breaths isn't very satisfying, but the novelty of it may keep smoke free for a little longer. It's also supposedly a way to calm down, but I think I need to learn how normal people react and deal with life. A life without cigarettes, drinks, or drugs is normal, and it's about time I learned that.

this ancient and hopeless struggle

New Year's Morning, 2009

After a couple hours of looking around the Internet and sending greetings to Croatia, I settled in front of the TV to watch the Tournament of Roses Parade. The first thing I saw was the Wells Fargo logo, and things have gone downhill ever since.

Maybe I'm getting old, but I'd be content to die this year. The way things are going isn't to my liking and I'm convinced it's unstoppable. Even the Rose Bowl game, which held out against commercialization, is now "presented by Citi," which is the same thing as renaming it.

Anyway, back to the parade. I'll see if I can update this as things appear...


Hydrogen car -- I wonder how the total energy to build, fuel, and run this car over its life compares to others.

Marine marching band -- Leaving aside the military aspect, I'm impressed. The other bands in the parade always look sloppy compared to these guys, who know how to march in step!

Weather -- The hosts on TV always mention our weather, and I always picture people in Michigan packing up and moving here.

"See the floats after the parade!" -- I couldn't help noticing that there's a $7 charge to see the floats when they're parked. Making money is the defining characteristic of life.

Honda Asimo -- Hooray for corporations!! (commercial sponsors are everywhere) Crowds cheer!

"Hats off to entertainment!" -- The theme for this year's parade is as controversial as ever. I predict a massive backlash from the anti-entertainment crowd, always huge fans of parades.

There's a veterinarian riding along with the skateboard-riding dogs, just to ease PETA's expected outrage and calm everyone's concerns.

National Assn of Realtors float -- "Celebrating home ownership." In today's economic climate, using the broadest possible definition, I suppose you could say owning a home is entertaining.

Kaiser-Permanente Float -- Proving that repairing members of your species is economically rewarding!

...I should probably check to see what percent of the floats win some sort of award...

...I wonder about Lou Dobbs' reaction to the Mexican marching band...

...I hope it wasn't too hard for the Broken Horn Ropers to find a black guy to twirl a rope and dress up like a cowboy...

Big cheers for firemen and police. No comment.

Thanks to this year's parade, I've been able to see the world's tallest horse. After it walked by, it sounds like the American's Horses Network drops the parade coverage.

...and the parade's over. Seeing the dancing girls sleeveless is much more rewarding than last year, when it was rainy. Still, I prefer flowers over big balloons (sorry, Macys).