I've been feeling pretty decent the last few days and needed to put a stop to that.

I've re-applied at a local bookstore, and the manager vaguely recalled me, though perhaps not why I'm unacceptable to her. It's probably my attitude, but continual rejections have a way of bringing me down. I think were I to apply to jobs for which I had any qualifications I could possibly be more successful, but that's something I prefer to avoid.

In any event, to sweeten my chances I found a book to buy (Alice Munro's Lives of Girls and Women), a selection I'm certain will demonstrate my sensitive nature. Not many men, I think, would be purchasing a book written by a Canadian woman.

She appeared unphased, and confidence is low. I did mention I'd buy more if I had a job, and she grinned.

Many people (those not me) are making fortunes in the stock market today. My stocks are rising, but still well underneath where I bought them so if anyone reads this and wishes to help me out I'd encourage you all to buy several plasma screen TVs or insist on fibre run to your home.

And, no, even if I were in the market would this campaign sway my opinion. Not that I have anything against hair, mind you, but that's one dumb looking mascot.

I've been feeling pretty decent the last few days and needed to put a stop to that.

I've re-applied at a local bookstore, and the manager vaguely recalled me, though perhaps not why I'm unacceptable to her. It's probably my attitude, but continual rejections have a way of bringing me down. I think were I to apply to jobs for which I had any qualifications I could possibly be more successful, but that's something I prefer to avoid.

In any event, to sweeten my chances I found a book to buy (Alice Munro's Lives of Girls and Women), a selection I'm certain will demonstrate my sensitive nature. Not many men, I think, would be purchasing a book written by a Canadian woman.

She appeared unphased, and confidence is low. I did mention I'd buy more if I had a job, and she grinned.

Many people (those not me) are making fortunes in the stock market today. My stocks are rising, but still well underneath where I bought them so if anyone reads this and wishes to help me out I'd encourage you all to buy several plasma screen TVs or insist on fibre run to your home.

And, no, even if I were in the market would this campaign sway my opinion. Not that I have anything against hair, mind you, but that's one dumb looking mascot.

From what I've seen the Iraqui elections went off much better than I thought they would. Much better. It's not important that I was wrong, but I'm honestly glad that it was so successful. Some of the stories I saw on CNN were touching, and all those people waving and showing off their blue fingers really got to me.

I take a lot of things for granted.

I'm a little upset about Sen Kennedy's reaction, which struck me as sour grapes. His "well, okay, the election went fine but it's the next step that's important" struck me as churlish (or is that childish? I'm not even sure what churlish means, but I like the sound of it). I shouldn't be surprised, though. The Republicans never can say a good word about the Democrats, and it looks like that runs both ways.

I remember that from my last workplace, too. One of the more distressing things there was the insistant emphasis on competition. We absolutely, positively, had to be a "fast follower," near the "bleeding edge" of everything that was going on or else we'd be doomed. Well, there's much more power in Washington and other nation's capitals than I ever saw in my silly jobs, but the same mentality runs through them all. We *must* be right, and our opposition *must* be wrong.

I pretty much hate that. While I find Bush and his administration arrogant, I have to admit they pulled this one off, and it looks as if many people are happy about it. I don't approve of the means, but the end wasn't the disaster I'd expected.

Still, I'm glad not to be associated with either party. Their insistance on holding power sickens me.

From what I've seen the Iraqui elections went off much better than I thought they would. Much better. It's not important that I was wrong, but I'm honestly glad that it was so successful. Some of the stories I saw on CNN were touching, and all those people waving and showing off their blue fingers really got to me.

I take a lot of things for granted.

I'm a little upset about Sen Kennedy's reaction, which struck me as sour grapes. His "well, okay, the election went fine but it's the next step that's important" struck me as churlish (or is that childish? I'm not even sure what churlish means, but I like the sound of it). I shouldn't be surprised, though. The Republicans never can say a good word about the Democrats, and it looks like that runs both ways.

I remember that from my last workplace, too. One of the more distressing things there was the insistant emphasis on competition. We absolutely, positively, had to be a "fast follower," near the "bleeding edge" of everything that was going on or else we'd be doomed. Well, there's much more power in Washington and other nation's capitals than I ever saw in my silly jobs, but the same mentality runs through them all. We *must* be right, and our opposition *must* be wrong.

I pretty much hate that. While I find Bush and his administration arrogant, I have to admit they pulled this one off, and it looks as if many people are happy about it. I don't approve of the means, but the end wasn't the disaster I'd expected.

Still, I'm glad not to be associated with either party. Their insistance on holding power sickens me.

Here's a funny character.

Today I got up and spent some time with my e-mail program. Then, I visited many of the sites I like, the ones to the right. The morning, as you can expect, was grueling.

It was bright out, but cool, and I spent the next hour talking myself out of doing any of the things I needed to do. I wanted to escape the house, get away from everything, so began thinking of shopping. One thing I'd planned on was taking a dead cartridge toner up to Office Depot, where I could exchange it for a ream of recycled paper. The thing is, their replacement cartridges cost nearly a hundred bucks, so I looked for cheaper ones on the Web before deciding to do nothing.

I've been thinking of buying a tea kettle. My main experience with tea was with my grandmother years and years ago, and I've never been a big fan of it, perhaps for that reason. A grandmother is hardly a role model, and I never aspired to be much like her. She used to get dressed in nylons and a dress to weed the lawn.

But another friend drinks tea and I do boil water each day for my coffee. Also, in an attempt to generate some commonality with people who *do* drink tea, as well as for boiling water for hot chocolate, I thought it would be right to have a dedicated vessel for heating water. In the old days (pre 2003) this was never an issue: I wanted something, felt I had to have it, and it was mine.

I have troble justifying buying a container to heat water in. I've been using a pan (Caphalon, but a pan nonetheless) for years and have had no trouble with it. But "the right tool for the job" resonates in my soul. I looked on the Internet and found some tea kettles, but they're quite expensive, considering. The cheap ones look. well, cheap.

I thought I'd ride into town and look. There are some cheap stores there, ones I felt might have tea kettles. Also, there's a store where I could buy some chocolate and also, maybe, some long sleeved T-shirts. No, I don't have money for any of these things, but I want them nonetheless. I've never been responsible.

I needed to get away and felt bad because I could not, in fact, joyfully spend money shopping. I rode up to town and was saved any decisions when I went to a drug store which did not have any tea kettles or T-shirts. So far, so good. The next door did, though, and I spent much longer than one would think looking at a thirty dollar tea kettle. It was the perfect size, about a liter, and had a pleasing, round shape that I thought would be acceptible to leave on the stove top. Of course, it would hardly demonstrate my financial condition, this wasting money on a luxury, and in the end I didn't buy it.

Then I wandered over and looked at some shirts. There were tons of T-shirts but only twenty or so long sleeved ones. Of those, about a dozen had Nike logos. I may be many things, but I'm not a billboard or corporate whore, and I pretty much refuse to buy anything emblazoned with corporate logos. Of the remaining shirts, all but two carried some other brand name, one I didn't know, but they're also unacceptable for me. I just want a goddamn shirt.

They had two, but by that time I was depressed. Too depressed, in fact, to take advantage of the other stores, which I just walked through in a cloud of funk. More teapots, but I had no interest in them. More shirts, but all with corporate or sports logos, and I ended up riding home and not spending a cent.

I guess I should be glad about that, but it put me in a chastised mood for the rest of the day.

So, to sum up, a guy goes out shopping, but can't spend any money. He looks at some stuff, and doesn't buy it. He comes home.

Here's a funny character.

Today I got up and spent some time with my e-mail program. Then, I visited many of the sites I like, the ones to the right. The morning, as you can expect, was grueling.

It was bright out, but cool, and I spent the next hour talking myself out of doing any of the things I needed to do. I wanted to escape the house, get away from everything, so began thinking of shopping. One thing I'd planned on was taking a dead cartridge toner up to Office Depot, where I could exchange it for a ream of recycled paper. The thing is, their replacement cartridges cost nearly a hundred bucks, so I looked for cheaper ones on the Web before deciding to do nothing.

I've been thinking of buying a tea kettle. My main experience with tea was with my grandmother years and years ago, and I've never been a big fan of it, perhaps for that reason. A grandmother is hardly a role model, and I never aspired to be much like her. She used to get dressed in nylons and a dress to weed the lawn.

But another friend drinks tea and I do boil water each day for my coffee. Also, in an attempt to generate some commonality with people who *do* drink tea, as well as for boiling water for hot chocolate, I thought it would be right to have a dedicated vessel for heating water. In the old days (pre 2003) this was never an issue: I wanted something, felt I had to have it, and it was mine.

I have troble justifying buying a container to heat water in. I've been using a pan (Caphalon, but a pan nonetheless) for years and have had no trouble with it. But "the right tool for the job" resonates in my soul. I looked on the Internet and found some tea kettles, but they're quite expensive, considering. The cheap ones look. well, cheap.

I thought I'd ride into town and look. There are some cheap stores there, ones I felt might have tea kettles. Also, there's a store where I could buy some chocolate and also, maybe, some long sleeved T-shirts. No, I don't have money for any of these things, but I want them nonetheless. I've never been responsible.

I needed to get away and felt bad because I could not, in fact, joyfully spend money shopping. I rode up to town and was saved any decisions when I went to a drug store which did not have any tea kettles or T-shirts. So far, so good. The next door did, though, and I spent much longer than one would think looking at a thirty dollar tea kettle. It was the perfect size, about a liter, and had a pleasing, round shape that I thought would be acceptible to leave on the stove top. Of course, it would hardly demonstrate my financial condition, this wasting money on a luxury, and in the end I didn't buy it.

Then I wandered over and looked at some shirts. There were tons of T-shirts but only twenty or so long sleeved ones. Of those, about a dozen had Nike logos. I may be many things, but I'm not a billboard or corporate whore, and I pretty much refuse to buy anything emblazoned with corporate logos. Of the remaining shirts, all but two carried some other brand name, one I didn't know, but they're also unacceptable for me. I just want a goddamn shirt.

They had two, but by that time I was depressed. Too depressed, in fact, to take advantage of the other stores, which I just walked through in a cloud of funk. More teapots, but I had no interest in them. More shirts, but all with corporate or sports logos, and I ended up riding home and not spending a cent.

I guess I should be glad about that, but it put me in a chastised mood for the rest of the day.

So, to sum up, a guy goes out shopping, but can't spend any money. He looks at some stuff, and doesn't buy it. He comes home.

God knows I try...

There was a comedian (Paula Poundstone?) several years ago who was saying she wished she had some horrible disease. That way, she reasoned, she could still get up around noon and instead of receiving disdain everyone would be impressed by the effort she made. I sometimes think of that, and also wonder a lot if my own efforts are as challenging as I make them out to be.

The thing is, I've never (of course) been in anyone else's head. I don't know how anyone else sees the world, what conflicts they see, or if they view the things they overcome as personal triumphs or just shrug them off as being routine. I guess, in short, I'm not sure how much of a drama queen I am.

It's occurred to me many times in my life how different I see my case. When talking with friends, when sharing troubles, it's always for me to see how to solve their dilemnas. "Just do X" I think, or say if asked. When looking at my own problems I refuse to accept those simple answers, the ones having to do with actions, and instead focus on the underlying mental reasons why I can't or shouldn't do the obvious, normal steps to solve the problem.

Since all I see is eveyone else's exteriors, they can succeed and be happy by doing observable steps. Since I know oh so much more about my problems, I refuse to try to solve them by doing the things anyone could see, and I know that's exactly what I should be doing.

Take writing, for instance. Nobody cares what I'm thinking or planning or wrestling with. None of those fights produce anything, make any difference to the world. What's wanted, or expected, by others is "how many pages or words did you do today?" The world little cares how the pages or actions are taken, the results are what matters.

It's like the saying I never heard until late in life, and was amazed by its simplicity: You don't have to like it, you just have to do it. I halt on the liking it, the internal part, but no one cares about that. I'm the only one impressed by my efforts, the only one who feels they're somehow noble or special.

Speaking of "writing," there's more in the More section...