China's been in the news lately, and I don't think it's entirely been there just as a way of keeping Iraq out of the news. China's been poisoning our pets and our kids, and that is something up with which we will not put, or even take kindly to.

In all of the hoopla it was revealed not only that there's such a thing as counterfeit toothpaste, a fact I've yet to get my head around, but that China (and now India) is putting anti-freeze in tubes of toothpaste.

People in the US, as can be expected, went ballistic. All of them except me.

I think I learned that antifreeze could kill dogs when I was a teenager, so it's lethality wasn't any news to me. I've never quite understand how, though, but I think it has something to do with the liver or kidneys or something. Evidently a great deal of antifreeze gets into one of those organs and shuts it down.

Now, I'm no scientist. I know hardly anything about my skin and even less about the stuff that goes on inside of it. All of those internal workings aren't my business, but that doesn't keep me from wondering about them from time to time.

The way I see it, if my body is "presented" with something like antifreeze, its first response is along the lines of "what the fuck?" A hundred thousand of evolution hasn't taught my body how to handle antifreeze, so I imagine each part of the digestive system shrugs its metaphorical shoulders and passes it on to the next part. "Nothing for me here," I think they say.

The trouble, as I see it, comes from the fact that unlike a marble or corn, this antifreeze doesn't get pushed out. It makes its way into the blood, like any good chemical should, and piles up somewhere where it does damage. Maybe it overwhelms the kidneys, giving them too much to work with, but that's not really the point.

I have no idea how much antifreeze it takes to kill someone, so if you were hoping to find that out, you'll need to look elsewhere. Whatever amount it is, though, I'm confident that you couldn't put that much in any toothpaste tube I've ever seen, not even if left out all the toothpaste. The amount of antifreeze these nefarious Chinese could put in a toothpaste tube can't, I don't think, be much more than a drop or two, and I don't think that's enough to kill anyone.

Ideally, my body would go through the "what the fuck is this?" reaction and get rid of the stuff, like it does all kinds of other foreign matter. The worst case, and the only one that could conceivably concern me, is that my body might think this antifreeze would be useful for something, but doesn't know what yet. Like me, it might stash it somewhere, hoping for an eventual use.

My body, in that case, would be wrong, of course, but I can see it happening. From what I've learned about other Chinese plots, lead is stored in the body and can reach harmful levels if enough comes in, and maybe antifreeze is the same. Even so, though, I can't imagine the pint or so of antifreeze can ever be accumulated through what they've been putting in toothpaste. I don't know about you, but that would be hundreds and hundreds of tubes of toothpaste, all of which would have to be tainted. There's no way that I would spend my life brushing with the same brand of toothpaste, so I'd never reach critical mass.

Thus, I consider this toothpaste scare to be overblown. I'd prefer not taking in any antifreeze, but I'm not about to worry about the minuscule amount some shifty-eyed Chinese chemist introduces into my toothpaste.

It's pretty simple, really. What I have against lawyers is that they don't want me in their world.

Years ago I was watching the OJ Simpson trial and in the beginning, during the questioning of one of the police lab workers or something, a very innocuous question was asked by a member of the defense team. I don't remember it exactly, but think I do, and it went something like this:

"Did you do your best possible job (when you handled the evidence)?"

That's when I realized that, if they don't want me dead, most people want me off their planet. It's a very good question, and one I'd hate to answer under oath. I can't recall ever, in doing anything, not doing the "best" possible. As far as I'm concerned, there's always room for improvement.

Not one thing is ever done perfectly, not when I add in hindsight, so I'd have to honestly answer "no" to that and similar questions. And that answer, I've learned, implies that I'm a total slackard and ambivalent. Lawyers, and others, would eat it up.

Since I can always imagine doing things better, not one thing has been done to the best of my ability. Not one. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I can always a do a better job, from everything from tying my shoelaces to writing an entry for my blog. Not one has been done the "best," which to me means perfectly.

Not everyone, of course, would say they want me dead since I can't be perfect, but I think they'd all agree that I should change. I'm not sure what their answer would be if I told them I refuse to change, so that's why I came up with that "get off my planet" thing.

In the end, it's all the same. Every accident is preventable, at least in hindsight, so if I'm ever hauled into court for causing one, I'm dead meat. Lawyers must live in a perfect world, one I'm not qualified to join.