Tenuous Humanity

It's been over two weeks now since I last smoked a cigarette, and that's not very long at all. Normal people, of course, can go a couple weeks without smoking or drinking and not even notice it. Their lives are filled with exasperations, delights, and pleasures, just like mine, but lack the drama I slather on every human condition.

Even after this admittedly short time without cigarettes, I'm noticing some differences.

Not smoking pros:

Breathing is easier and quieter than it used to be. I don't need to breathe through my mouth, and I can make my way up 100 stairs without having to stop and catch my breath. I've also saved a little bit of money, but that isn't the same as getting any more.

Not smoking cons:

It's actually possible to spend well over three-fourths of every day thinking about cigarettes and smoking. That's not to say that I'm frequently wishing I had a cigarette, only that I think about them quite a bit. I have a new respect for those who can go months and even years without smoking.
Boy, am I getting fat. I haven't owned a scale in decades, but I think I'm gaining weight, mostly an unexpected result of continually eating. I rarely want a cigarette when I'm eating, so I'm doing nothing but that now to make it easier on me.
I have the attention span of an annoyed gnat. I cannot sit, watch TV, write, read, or damn near anything for longer than ten or fifteen minutes without having to find a new amusement. I cannot imagine how anyone who doesn't smoke ever accomplishes anything. I'm also just on the verge of losing it in a fit of rage at every waking moment, but I think that's due to nicotine withdrawal. I can only imagine how much worse I'd feel if I wasn't wearing a patch that constantly dumped nicotine into my bloodstream.

I've hardly smoked at all this whole month, but I keep interrupting my stream of days. I know I'll never make it to one month without smoking if I can't make it through, say, day fifteen, but I'm driving myself nuts. The good thing is, it's only me that's being driven mad, but it won't be much longer before I snap at my innocent dog and make him wonder why he didn't bite me years ago.

Taking deep, satisfying breaths isn't very satisfying, but the novelty of it may keep smoke free for a little longer. It's also supposedly a way to calm down, but I think I need to learn how normal people react and deal with life. A life without cigarettes, drinks, or drugs is normal, and it's about time I learned that.