Grrrr--rrowl

It's been over six weeks now since my last cigarette, and I only have myself to blame.

About nine hours into this process my breathing improved. And, while the passageways to my lungs got better, I still don't have any more lung capacity than one of those premature octuplets, so it's not like I can be any more active than when I smoked like a wildfire and looked way cool every waking moment.

I've been using these patches and am now down to the final step of the three step process. The patches, which began nearly the size of baseballs, are now about as big as a nickle, though they cost about the same. These last step patches, which deliver a whopping seven mg of nicotine a day, are the equivalent of smoking four or five cigarettes a day, a number I used to easily knock off before waking up in the morning.

Whenever I go to the next step in this process, I've learned to expect a couple things. One, of course, are nasty headaches, but continual annoyance with the world around me is nearly as certain. I can also expect to spend a few days thinking a great deal about smoking, and I guess it's good news that the last time I'll need to go through this is the end of next week. That last step, being patch and cigarette free, should theoretically last a lifetime.

Because of these nicotine patches, most of the info I find on the Internet is wrong. All of the health benefits of living without nicotine are, of course, lost on me because even though I'm not smoking, I'm still getting more nicotine than anyone in the world who isn't a smoker. Then again, no one who isn't a smoker ever gets any nicotine anyway, so that's not saying much.

All of that blood pressure or heart or circulation stuff to the extremities is still at least a month away, so I'll need to be patient. One disappointment I have is not hacking up large chunks of lung. In fact, I haven't really coughed at all, and I've spent years looking forward to bringing up black chunks like my friends talked about when they quit. It may be that my time is coming, or they may have been lying about it, but if it comes I'll be both ready and happy.

Still, it may be to my benefit not to be doing that yet. While those around me are catching the flu or coming down with colds, bronchitis, or allergic reactions to land, sea, and air, the thick, protective covering of tar I've built on my lungs is performing as advertised and keeping all the bad things from infecting me.

Still, I gotta admit I'm still uncertain about never having another cigarette, and I can see it going either way. I know the only way to quit is to consider oneself a non-smoker, but I'm still fascinated by the prospect of not smoking. I know I can avoid smoking, but I'm still not sure that I never want to.