Slow Work

I'm struggling with my rewrite of The Reader's Emporium.

I'm now deciding it's been overworked, has lost all of its charm, and anything I liked about it is a far and distant shadow. I've been working for three days on the first line, and everything I write sounds too ... writerly. I know I should include the phrase "pile of ash and two bare feet" in it, but other than that I keep rephrasing, recasting, and am unhappy with it all.

The first paragraph had, I thought, some of the best writing I ever did. It maybe was overwritten and a bit over the top, but it was full of fancy language and colorful phrasing. The thing is, the more I look at it the worse it looks. It *is* overwritten, it *is* pretentious, it *does* draw attention to itself. And, what's worse, as much as I may like showing off talking about "bouquets of gray," "ripples of grief," and "scant numbers vastly diluted," *I* was the only one who found it acceptable.

And now I don't.

I think that type of writing is something I've been taught is good, but I'm not so sure I still feel that way. Or, I feel it needs to be more spread out, no more than one "great" line per page. The bigger problem, though, I'm thinking is one of mood. That type of language, even if it's any good, is not right for the story that follows.

The tone isn't carried throughout, and it's Brad's story, not mine. It sets the reader up for an entirely different story than she'll get, and that isn't fair. It's far too much "look at how clever I am," and for that reason it's far too amateur. I may be able to get away with that in another piece, but not in The Reader's Emporium.

The story's still very close to my heart. I don't know why that is, maybe because it's the first one I wrote, the one I started in my twenties and forgot about for half a lifetime. Or maybe because it's the first one I finished. I want it to be good, to be acceptable, and I may just have to write the whole thing all over again.

But I can't get started.