I need a subject?

I've spared writing for the last week. When you can't say something good about someone, I was taught, it's best to remain silent. Since the subject of this blog is me, I've been quiet.

I'd like to be optimistic, to think another door will be opening, that all of this is a great opportunity for me and that something more marvelous than I can imagine will soon pop up. I think that's a pile of shit. I am, and have been, struggling for the last month trying to ride a life without goals. I don't want to write anything negative or maudlin, but I have no hopes at the moment and it's been a lot going through the motions, but without really going through any motions.

I've blown off friends, meetings, events and things with depressing regularity this last week, and what concerns me is the ease with which I've done it. I should feel worse about it, if not for their sake than for mine. I'm in no mood to receive encouragement, either.

"A shell of his former self," one could say. I've lost, I feel, most of what's accompanied me this far in life, and I have little incentive to even try to get it back. A lot of things just don't matter, not now.