Big Bad Me

When I hurt, which is invariably my own doing, I'm proud to say that I react with all the emotional maturity of any well-adjusted third grader.

My first, and often my only, reaction is to hurt back. I'm not so uncouth and confrontational as to hurt insults, to shout and call names, I'm much better than that. I rely on hurtful responses, demeaning and cruel remarks, the ones meant to sting and bite with deep psychological damage.

One of my better tricks is to get people to question themselves, to adopt the role of the chaste and unobjectionable and cast disparaging comments on the other's behavior. Another favorite trick of mine is to act the martyr, to feign nobility and a dark, tortured soul, one made even more pitiable by the other's actions.

I think it was my counselor who pointed out to me what an excellent manipulator I am, but it was my shrink who noted that I reminded him of a jellyfish. "You're both spineless, but each of you has a nasty sting."

A good person, a healthy one, will take a blow and rub it, noting the pain and wincing. Somone like me will strike back, will try everthing in their power to make the other hurt worse than I do. This, of course, is the exact opposite of healthy behavior, and my desire to make others suffer can be seens as a worthwhile measuring stick to gauge the extent of my maturity.

It may be, I tell myself, no more than the "misery loves company" idea, but this is categorically and utterly false. I don't so much companionship in misery as I want to win the battle, to be the one suffering the leaqst.

It should go without saying that i've yet to win any of these numerous fights. Quite the contrary. While I wallow in regret my opponent goes on her merry way after a momentary awakening. I don't carry a grudge, but I remain stuck while she shuffles me into long-term memory and picks up with healthy relationships and fulfilling ones. It's always a mistake to think me an equal. I'm not, and will show you my laughable reactions when crossed. I may talk a goog game intellectually, but my emotional responses can only remind you of playground games, the ones I never outgrew and always lost.