Distance Learning

I'm most comfortable when I'm lecturing, when I'm in some real or imagined position of authority, and can impress others with what I know.

I routinely carry on inner monologues, informing some non-existant listener about what I'm perceiving and my take on it, how important it is, what it relates to, how it fits into the scheme of things I've settled on. In real life I was quite good at explaining the computer shit that was my job, helping others (something I always enjoy doing), and hosting the show. I'm far less comfortable with small talk and often disastrous at any sort of meaningful conversations with another human being.

I'm good when people are listening to me, comfortable, even. But if I'm in a conversation, they have the opportunity and inclination to talk back, to question things, to ask me difficult questions. Not only does that interrupt my flow, it takes me from the scripted world and into the chaotic one where anything can happen.

There are risks in talking to people, but magnificient rewards. If I could wish for one thing, it would be to be comfortable dropping the lecture mode and dealing with someone as a human. I've been lucky sometimes, and have been able to relate to people as equals. Since I normally look up to everyone, I like being their equal. Since I rarely feel that way, I distance myself and recite old stories and anecdotes, hiding safely behind any real human interaction.

I know I'm doing it when I'm doing it, and I dislike it. In a perfect world I could just say, "Here I am, take me or not" and not worry about the outcome. But what I get is scarecely ever enough, because I give so little back.