Missed Profession

I should have been a secret agent, man.

I'm afraid of being caught, of being discovered. Most of the shit I do is fine, but I much prefer doing all my things in private where no one can see me and, most importantly, judge me. This extends to everything. I get nervous when people watch me eat or brush my teeth, and I guess I'm afraid that I'll attract comment.

Instead of being caught taking out the trash or doing my laundry, I like to do it when no one's watching or can see me. I may have a serious problem here. I love the feeling of accomplishment, but I guess I want everyone to think I'm some sort of magical guy who just gets things done without ever having to do the work necessary to do it.

I don't want to be caught paying my bills or cleaning up. I don't mind doing those things, I just don't want to be seen doing them. I think part of this stems from what happens, or can happen, if someone sees me doing these things. They may comment on it, or ask about it, and then I'll feel as if I'm being judged and, of course, found wanting.

People will correct how I sweep or fold clothes, and I live in fear of that happening, of being caught doing something "wrong." I have no self-esteem and am constantly in fear of being corrected. I do many things, and some of them are even done well and are good things, but until I'm convinced I'm okay I'm scared that I'll be judged and lose.