Recovering

I just talked myself out of feeling I had any worth. This is a good thing.

For the past few days I've been what I call depressed. It's not that I feel bad and want to die, it's that I don't care, am apathetic, and see no reason to do anything at all. This state is what I refer to as my "2 mood." It was worse this time than I can remember, and is still with me about three-fourths of the time, but right now it's not my companion.

When I have feelings like "you aren't any good" or "you aren't (or can't) do that" that's normal for me. What had been happening is that I hadn't even been having anything to talk myself out of. That's when it hurts, that's when I'm least happy with myself. Just now I've had a few ideas about how things would improve and when I had to talk myself out of them I knew I was resurfacing, getting back to normal. It's much more bleak when I fail to have encouraging thoughts at all.

I expect to maintain a three by later today, that it won't be a blip but will be my standard, and that's a state I hope to enjoy. It's kind of like a headache, though. When I have one I know it, but when I take aspirin it's not until much later I realize I no longer do.

I wonder, now, if I'll get enough money from my old job to fix up my eyesight. I'm embarrassed by my growing deafness, and ashamed that I'm only now seeing what my vision trouble is. Maybe it just started, or maybe I just now have identified that my right eye is only good for seeing colors. Part of me sees this deterioration as a natural thing, but I may wish to fight it.