Year's End

It's nearly over.

This year I missed the Chinese New Year parade downtown, I think, and that may explain a lot. Although I had no plans at the start of the year, it lived up to that and had no focus. I'm unsure what I accomplished or what effect any of my efforts had, but it's too soon to tell that anyway. I can never distinguish between a moment's fascination and anything relevant until a year or two has passed.

I think I was far more injured than I think, and far more rewarded, too, from other events. I've learned a bit more distance and have grown increasingly skeptical about any correlation between my reality and any independent pronouncements. Much of my earlier certainty is gone, has been battered agains the anvil of other's more feverishly held beliefs, and all about I can say is I know more about the questions.

And maybe that's my destiny. Is it apathy or contentment, acceptance or surrender? I'm too close to the subject to have any reasonable answers.

I'm hoping the year got me a net zero, that I contributed as much as I took, but I know that's incorrect. I took and grabbed and pointed at myself far too often. If there's more to the human spirit than "Look at me!" I still haven't found it, and there's less to see of me than ever before.

I remember being filled with promise, with potential, and have squandered it. I think the most I've lost is the sense of my own importance, and I think there's value in that. There are more faces I'll never see again, but I hope other new ones will take their place. In the end, though, my journey is mine alone, and all I can do is be willing to share it.

The best thing to do with good advice is to pass it along. I no longer have answers, and smile when I recall the days I thought I did.


Happy New Year. I wish you all the best.