When I was around eight, my dad bought a tape recorder. My best friend at the time, Scott, and I recorded several hours of "The Rusty and Scotty Show" but I have no idea where any of the tapes might be. Then, as now, I didn't sound like myself when we played back the tapes.
This morning a much older man looked back at me from the mirror. I rarely look at myself in a mirror, rarely actually *see* myself, and most often just focus on my hair or cheek or whatever it is that I need to see. Today I looked and the face that greeted me differs quite a bit from the picture of me that I have in my head.
My mental image of myself is around 35 or so. I know, it's pathetic to be so out of touch, do don't remind me of that. I guess I prefer the dream world to the real one and it must be denial that makes me think of myself as still young and desirable. I used to be that way (Really!) and had a ton of well-deserved confidence. Now, when I act that way, it always comes back to haunt me. It embarrasses me, and I find my current behavior intolerable, sad, and-in a word-pathetic.
I'm speaking of "lasts" ... last century, last year, last week, etc. Things still too painful for me to process or look at objectively without wincing, not only for the hurt I caused and felt, but for how blind I was, how fully my inner view deviated from how I'm seen by those I inflicted myself on.
And you thought I'd never end a sentence with a preposition.
Mirrors, Tape Recorders, and Sobriety
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3 comments:
My brother and I also used to do little radio shows ... but we'd always talk in accents, so I never sounded quite like myself.
In the end, I think our sense of self is our self. The other stuff is just the wrapper that some of us choose to ignore or at least not incorporate into our selves so much as others might want or expect.
I don't care much for people built on looks or accomplishments. Rather, I prefer a strong point of view and the ability to share it.
I hear you, but this does nothing to explain Keanau Reeves now, does it?
I'm not unhappy with who I am (though I do foolish things when I forget it), but I had one of those startling moments when I realized I don't look the way I think I do. Just like the way I never sound the way I think I do.
I get you, but I still am not sure that just because you saw something in a reflection or a photo that means that it's any more you than what you think is you anyway ... after all, it's just what you see of you.
I don't necessarily see the same thing. And the you that I might see is usually the one that I've drawn in my head ...
I did a series of self portraits today (because the nosehair was too painful) and realized that I don't look at all like I think - and I probably never did.
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