November

It's been a tough week for me, and I wish I were someone else, anyone else.

When I differ with people I feel wrong. Maybe not in a "right or wrong" sense, but more like the way I think isn't the right one. I see everyone around me handling things, doing things, relating to people and happy and content with their lives or willing to do something to fix them, and I despair. If I were a good person when adversity struck I'd pull myself up and do something about it. Instead, I get depressed and give up.

There's only so many things you can give up before there's nothing left.

Maybe I could do or be lots of things. Maybe I have talent or skills, but I don't have the necessary emotional strength to pursue anything. I quit easily, gladly, and wish I were better. It's been a rough week and everyone I've looked at and everything I've seen just reinforces how out of it I am. I don't fit in well with anyone or anything, have nothing but ego and pride.


I want, a lot, to be accepted, but refuse to do anything to let that happen. I want to be 'special' and admired for what I am, but don't want to have to change at all to get that. And unless I do change, nothing different is ever going to happen.

Everything I have and everything I want is so shitty. If I get something shiny and new, I'll let it rust and die. If I meet someone, I'll ruin it by forgetting who I am now. I only want things I can't possibly have, if only because I won't pursue them. I don't want to fail, so I never make any effort to succeed.

Most people have more problems than I do, but handle them much better. I am so fucked. I think I'm important, that I matter, and I really don't. I'm often happy for everyone else's success, but feel as if whatever they accomplish is something I could only fail at.

It hurts being me. But what I go through isn't unique, is so goddamn commonplace half the world talks about it all the time. I think it's a big deal, and I'm wrong. Wrong about that, too.