I did nothing today, none of the things I was supposed to, none of the things that seemed to be a good idea in the morning when I was having my first coffee. Then, the day felt full of promise and opportunity but I was too afraid of making more mistakes, of making anything worse, of getting any more rejection to do anything. so I moped. Watched everyone make money on the stock market, shuffled the index cards containing my novel, and wished I were someone else, someone more capable.
I'm just listening to the Who because I just finished watching a documentary on them. I hate how much emotion I have invested in music, how many memories that old stuff brings back. I squandered a bright and beautiful future when I was young, not having any idea what would come and not caring about it. I don't know as I regret that, my never having any idea what I wanted out of life, but I don't think it makes for a very successful one. It hasn't for me.
Shit. Fuck. Piss.
Paralized
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3 comments:
very few of us can look back and feel like we've lived up to our potential. how much more might i have ccomplished if i hadn't gotten married so young and to the wrong man? if the previous man hadn't shattered my life on that sidewalk along with his body?
i've always had a pretty good idea of who i was and what i wanted to do. i've always been pretty focused, and yet, here i am, alone and unhappy with where my life is, like you, dwelling on the what ifs. still, i don't think i would've done it differently. i'm not sure i could have. just wish i'd been able to do more.
but i have to believe it's not too late to build the lives we want. it can't be. just need to figure out, or rather remember what that is. i used to know... i still know... but there are more variables now. variables i had until recently ruled out. the love, the family, the house, the kids. it's not too late. i just need to figure out how and if that all fits in.
my mother likes to tell me about carol channing and how at 85 she finally married her true love -- a man she'd loved since high school. to me, it is a horrible story, this life time of unhappiness and longing. but to my mother, it is a beautiful story. see, she says, it's never too late.
I once said that if I had it all to do over again that I'd do it all over again, even the parts that didn't work. I'm surprised that someone who knew what she wanted ended up as unhappy as I have, with my never knowing. That's sad.
Another problem is that I believe I could to become a court reporter or medical asst or whatever and get a new career, but that it would end up feeling as empty as everything else has. Yeah, I am so screwed with that attitude.
it could very well wind up leaving you feeling as empty as you do right now, but until then at least you'd be working toward something, and these days, i real feel like any movement is better than no movement at all.
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