After the Dawn

I like it when I'm mistaken, especially if I've been wrong on the downside, underestimating things. It buoys my spirits tremendously to find things are better than I thought, and I don't often have that sensation.

It's been nearly three days since I've smoked a whole cigarette. Yeah, I've weakened and a few puffs here and there, but I can't enjoy it and toss them out immediately. It could be said I haven't really quit, but I'm going through the process and losing the habit. It's been rough on those around me, and I regret putting them through it. I'm hoping by next week at this time, say, that I'll have more of my emotions under control.

I can live with the headaches.

Surprising things can be beautiful and can touch me in ways I'm not prepared for. I think I'll get glee, or relief, and instead get touched deeply on emotional levels I don't anticipate. I like that about the world, nothing is ever as contained as I think, as limited as I sometimes want. Pain includes fear and maybe humiliation, pride carries with it aspects of fulfillment, and simple, natural acts can transcend the entire spectrum of feelings and delight, excite, comfort, and soothe me. I expect a one to one reaction, and sometimes receive a Sears catalogue of wonder when I expect a single item packing slip.

I can be more wrong about people than anything else. I often ascribe to them thoughts I can imagine myself having, but fail to consider the depth and variety others experience. I think I'm good with people, I mostly just project my triggers and reactions onto them, but that cheats everyone. You may not be able to have any internal sensation I don't understand, but I sell you short when I limit you the way I do myself.

I feel as good as I can recall. I like that.