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I've run into a serious, or not so serious, problem. In my attempt to avoid having a blog describing happenings, I've also created a blog that's avoiding talking about anything. I think I should get back on some sort of blogging schedule, just to keep the robots busy.

I should feel wonderful, but I don't, not exactly. It's finally summer and the days are long, glorious, and warm. I'm saving on laundry by wearing little save shorts and underwear, so that's a good thing, and people and places are rewarding me daily with images and kind words, sights and sounds and smells of beauty and fulfillment, and the taste and feel of pleasure.

But I'm troubled. Nagging health issues. Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. It's sometimes easier when I'm down, when I cease caring much, then when things are bright. Not because I expect brightness to dim or blind me, but darkness is more familiar, I know its tricks and taunts, even its reasons and reasoning. Brightness is a stranger, and offers a panopoly of possible causes, and I question my ability to ferret out the one and correct source. I'd like not to ask "why?" so much, since I rarely develop an accurate or complete answer. I form an initial, rudimentary explanation for joy, as if it needs one, then later discard it as either I think about it more or stumble on clues which I probably mis-interpret. I'm good at finding, or inventing, clues, but I seem to recall they're not always there. I find what I look for more than what exists.

I'm quitting smoking next week and am scared about that, too. It shouldn't be scary, it should be seen as an exciting event, but I'm nearly petrified as the day I've chosen approaches. I know I'll be unfit for human company for about a week, but that doesn't bother me as much as it should. I'm more worried about desire than anything else. When I've tried before, I end up deciding I don't want to quit and resume the habit. And, in a sense, I don't want to quit this time, either. The reasons, the logic and explanations, don't matter. I've gave up on them long ago. I know that works for many people, but not for me, not now.

I'm afraid I won't be convinced to keep it up. That I won't last long enough to reap any of the benefits and rewards, that with feelings of nothing to lose, that I'll weaken. I hate losing. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.