Cleaning Day

Today I feel oddly inspired. Odd, only because I normally feel pretty lethargic.

I can't explain it. I'm not worried about competence today, another rare event, and I'm filled with confidence. I don't know quite what to do with this trifecta of inspiration, confidence, and capability. I haven't had much practice feeling this way, but I love it. I think I could get things done if this keeps up.

The only downside is I decided to put off until tomorrow or Tuesday quitting smoking. I made a trial run, but I gave it up because I was concerned about having my sister in my face all day. I think it will be easier for me when there's no one around for me to annoy, but I may need some support. There's groups on the Web, obviously, but I'm getting away from that kind of thing. I love message boards, but the people rarely pay me the attention I deserve.

I just feel awful when I post and there's no response. I don't mind not getting comments here, I think I'm making this record just for me, but I know some people check it out from time to time.

Hi, to you!

I can't describe how good it feels to be relieved, however momentarily, of my constant, nagging inferiority and that harsh voice in my head yelling at me. I think a good portion of it comes not from anyone acknowledging my talents or anything like that, but lately I've been feeling both accepted and trusted. It's nice to feel that, and I don't quite know how to deal with it.

Today I want to do a ton of things and I know I won't get to one-tenth of them. Doesn't matter. I'll get some things done, some literary and some necessary. I'm all dressed up to get filthy cleaning things I haven't seen in years, and I like that because I always discover things I've forgotten I own.

I don't think it's a good thing to forget my possessions. If I have that many, I should make a pile to give away.

But I don't want to give away how I feel today. I want to embrace it.