Interesting Day

Not sure about this mood thing today. It's the strangest three yet, but I feel okay so I'm sticking with it.

I'm a curious mix at the moment. A little bit tired (I had a poor night's sleep with many awakenings) and drained, with some anxiety hiding beneath a lot of eager excitement. Today, one way or another, things will begin changing in my life, and I'm both eager to begin the process and wary of it.

I may not have many more opportunities for life-changing events, so I'll be certain to take careful notes and document the process. In the past, before I was writing, I'd keep occasional journals, but had no idea what was important to note and record. Now I have a better idea of what will interest the future Russell, or at least what interests the current one, so it's easier to write shit down than it used to be.

It's human nature to plan, at least I think it is. Some people do it well and about half the time I do a pretty good job of it. Other times I get too caught up in details. It helps. of course, to know what one is planning for. Now, today, I have an end goal in mind, but not much worked out as to the process to achieve it. Vague checkpoints exist, but the reality and nature of the journey is pretty much out of my control. I think that's a good thing. It doesn't take much too realize that my best efforts, my picking and choosing, has led to an unfulfilling life. I wish I'd learned years ago to accept more and to struggle and manipulate less. Freedom is, indeed, a very scary thing, but I think it's better for me.

I need to get a handle on my tendency to overreact. I need to stop making myself feel dreadful. I need to react to events as freshly as possible, but I always have preconceptions and prejudices. I'd like to be more responsive and less concerned.