Placid

It's still quiet and nearly noon.

I feel spaced and dazed, but it's not at all unpleasant, almost like the feeling after an orgasm, a calm drifting, directionless, and with a glowing pleasure. And, no, I did not just have an orgasm.

I'm feeling full and justified, but still wanting validation. I never get enough of that, and I guess that's what I most want to make my life complete. I'm comfortable when I'm sitting up, or laying down to rest, but reclining to sleep in a bed summons up much rib movement. The pain is muted or non-existant, but I'm still surprised and afraid of rearranging my ribs.

It's as if they adopt to one position when I'm erect and another in repose.

Sleep has been something of a struggle. I wake up often, and I think I want to claim my more familiar position on my side. I can't sleep that way, and feel bad about sleeping on my back, which I know makes me snore. I hate being a guest and snoring, but haven't gotten any complaints yet.

I do wish the accident hadn't happened. My impulse is still to run, to refuse to deal with it, but I'm being led step by step to being a more functional human being. There are times, of course, when I wish to crawl in a hole and pull it all in over me, to not deal with it, but there are people and things to consider and a selfish act like suicide isn't much of an option.

I feel better than I have in days. Not so much physically or mentally, but emotionally. I think I've been on a roller coaster, as they say, and I'm pleased I've survived it and learned from it. I want to give, I want to give a lot, and I hope I'm not frustrated.